Sad Heart

I have a sad heart today as my dear, sweet brother in law Brad passed away after a short but valiant fight with pancreatic and liver cancer. He was diagnosed only a month ago and it was so late in the game that he barely had a fighting chance. He was a very young 59 years old and will be remembered as such a "nice guy" and a gentle soul. The world is diminished today without his good natured spirit to inspire us. May God bless him and may his loving and gentle soul finally rest in peace.

It's hard to really talk much about the days events. We spent a good part of rehearsal discussing the change in the character of Bill from an Australian, which is the way he's always been played, to an American of unknown origin. The idea of a renegade, boisterous, somewhat cocky, certainly self-assured character keeps popping up. We keep coming back to the idea that he's the American version of Crocodile Dundee, a cross between Indiana Jones and maybe Jack Colton (Michael Douglas' character from "Romancing the Stone".) Cowboy boots came into the discussion as a way of possibly grounding him, giving him an immediate "gravitas", as cowboy boots can do. But nothing is definite. And like all works of art and collaboration, it's a work in progress.

The second part of the day was spent with Janet and Andy, our dance supervisor and her assistant. We learned the movement, for it's really not "choreography", for two new numbers. "Under Attack" opens the second act and presents as a nightmare that Sophie lives through regarding her upcoming marriage. It's a very sultry and sexual number, at least for the Dad's. "I Do" is the joyous celebration at the end of the show and the only real choreography for me, so far. It's straightforward and quite easy, which is good, since I gave up my "Dancers Union of America" card years ago.

I will say there's something strange and a bit intangible about the experience to this point. I know that we're creating a "new version" of MM!, but I still (and this is my insecurity creeping in) feel like I'm trying to fit into a show that exists. Like I'm still "auditioning for the job" and somewhere in the back of my head trying to compare myself to others who have played the role before me. Am I like them, I wonder? Am I different? And the killer of all - am I better? That's a question that has to be left alone or it can fester away, destroying the very fabric of creativity. But I'd be lying to you and myself if I didn't acknowledge it's existence in the back of my mind. It's there.

Tomorrow will be the end of our first week. We're already at that point where I'm panicking, knowing we have plenty of time still to rehearse and yet wondering "How are we gonna get it all in?" and "God I hope I don't look like an idiot out there!"

Such is showbiz.